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27 Absurdly Funny Retirement Gifts That'll Make Over-The-Hill Retired Life The Best Yet

Updated: Oct 19 2022
27 Absurdly Funny Retirement Gifts That'll Make Over-The-Hill Retired Life The Best Yet
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Retirement is all fun and games until someone gets, wait, retirement is always fun and games, especially when you whip out these funny retirement gifts at the retirement party. There's no better way to say "happy retirement" than with a knee-slapping, belly-laugh inducing, ROFL-causing funny retirement gag gift. Retired life is a time to take things less seriously and what's less serious than toilet humor, fart jokes, old fart jokes, and silly gags that'll make life after 65 all the more memorable. If laughter really is the best medicine, this list of ideas will add years of time to complete your bucket list. Newly retired or a couple of years in, if they're a card-carrying member of AARP, these gift ideas will be on point. 

You're Only Old Once Book

You’re only young once sure, but you’re only old once, too! Dr. Seuss has perfectly captured the whimsical magic that comes with being advanced in age in this delightfully illustrated book.
$10 .79

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Senior Moments Aging Disgracefully

Aging Disgracefully takes the shame and stigma out of getting older and makes it fun. The book is packed with off-the-wall illustrious that’ll make anyone over the age of 65 ROFL.
$10 .99

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How Not to Become a Crocthety Old Man

Have you experienced an urge to call young people “whippersnappers”? Have you picked out a favorite pair of suspenders? You may be in danger of becoming a crotchety old man. Read this book ASAP before you start yelling at kids to get off your lawn.
$8 .36

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101 Fun Things to Do in Retirement

101 Things to Do in Retirement isn’t an all-encompassing list, it’s a starting point. It’s packed with activities to get retirees started with having fun and inspire them to seek out new things to do and new experiences.
$13 .99

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Warning! Retired Person On Premises Sign

Folks will come knocking a lot less often with this sign on the door. And is that really such a bad thing? The rusted look makes it look all the more intimidating. Finally, your Saturday naps will be uninterrupted by doorbell rings.
$9 .99

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What You Don't Know About Retirement Quiz Book

So you think you’re smarter than a 67-year-old who’s been through that retirement transition before? Find out with What You Don’t Know About Retirement, a hilarious and comprehensive quiz guide to getting older.
$3 .95

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Official Retirement Hat

Who has two thumbs and is ready to rumble, wait, retire? The dude that’s wearing this fisherman-style hat. It’ll help him reel in the best parts of this new “career” like opening a beer, blocking the sun for naps, and let’s be real, looking hella fine.
$13 .57

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Inflatable Over the Hill Walker and Cane

All right grandma, time to get you back to the home now. She's 65 and it’s officially time to joke with her about being over the hill. This inflatable can and walker set is a great place to start.
$15 .89

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389* Unforgettable Senior Moments Page-A-Day Funny Calendar

Make sure pops never misses a moment with the Senior Moment calendar. Sure, there are only 365 days in the year but this calendar has 389 in case they forget they already turned the page.
$40 .50

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Officially Retired Tiara

Call it her sapphire jubilee and crown her the queen of it with a bejeweled tiara that’ll make the party that much sparklier. Perfect for the retiree who was the former office queen, this gorgeous hairpiece fit easily thanks to a pair of combs.
$6 .49

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Emergency Underpants

Leaks happen, sh*t happens, but fear not! With a tin of this vacuum-packed emergency underwear in your bag you can swap out your skivvies and no one’s the wiser. And always remember, never trust a fart.
$7 .15

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Retirement the First 365 Days

The first year of retirement is going to fly by a lot faster than expected and it’s important for a new retiree to make the most of it. This book guides them through the ins and outs of the first 365 days to ensure they get the max out of all the days beyond that.
$15 .42

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Memory Mints

Ah crap. What flavor do these Senior Moments candies have again? It’s on the tip of our tongue. Oh right, mints, they’re Memory Mints. The funny candy that’ll get your brain cranking to avoid those Senior moMINTS.
$4 .94

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I Don't Give A Damn O'Clock Mug

There's nothing quite like rolling out of bed at 10:39 and enjoying a cup of coffee at your pace because you’re not late for anything. Or enjoying that same cup at 10pm cuz you don’t have to get up. This mug is “vibes” as they say.
$16 .99

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Toilet Timer

As a retiree, it becomes very easy to lose track of the time you spend on the can. Make sure you’re not in there so long your sweetheart calls LifeAlert to rescue you with the Toilet Timer. You’ve got five minutes to do your business so make it snappy.
$16 .99

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Day of the Week Clock

The only day that really matters to a retiree is Sundae, but it’s good to know what the real ones are. The Days of the Week clock is the only way they'll remember to plop down in front of the TV when their favorite shows are on.
$48 .95

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Retired: Under New Management Apron

Happy wife, happy life, they say, and she might be a little happier if he takes over cooking duty for a change. It’s a good thing management got him this apron, it’s sturdy and will protect him against splashes of oil or tomato sauce.
$15 .00

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How Retirees Tell Time Wine/Coffee Shelf

There are very few important times for a retiree and this clever rack highlights two of them. One, morning time aka coffee time. Two, evening time aka wine time. Lunch and dinner are in there somewhere too but it’s all about the drinks really.
$29 .99

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Poop Like A Champion Cereal

As you get older you become more in tune with and talk about your bowel movements more often. Stay regular and be the envy of your friends by moving a fiber-packed bowl of Poop Like a Champion into your face every morning. Your BMs will be the sh*t of legends.
$13 .97

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Potty Fisher Toilet Game

Now that you’re not on the clock, potty breaks can last as long as you need them to. Exercise your right to sit in the chamber of thought and practice your fishing skills with this hilarious potty fishing kit.
$19 .99

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Do Whatever The Hell I Want Funny Mug

By the look of this mug, a retiree has a truly enviable to-do list. Who among us wouldn’t want to do whatever whenever? Treat them to this mug and maybe they’ll be nice enough not to rub it in that you still have to go work.
$17 .95

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Lobster Sandals

Butter up your feet and treat them right with a pair of bright red lobster sandals. The foamy flippers are suitable for wearing on dry land and under the sea and if they slip off your feet while you’re in the waves, they’ll float right to the surface.
$19 .99

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Motion Sensor Toilet Night Light

Light up their night with a toilet light that senses motion to get them in a good spot before they even drop trou. No longer will a lady's bum feel the cold kiss of the water in the bowl, if the seat is up, she’ll see it right away.
$9 .95

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Retirement in Full Swing Golf Marker

Retirement is in full swing and that means his golf schedule should be too. When he’s out on the links he can tell the other guys he doesn’t have to worry about work on Monday with nothing more than his golf marker.
$11 .99

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