The 33 Weirdest Stuff You Can Actually Buy But Probably Shouldn't

Judgmental Maps Book

Have you ever wanted to know what other people around the country think about you and the other people where you live? Judgmental Maps is your no-holds-barred education about just what others think and even what your own neighbors think of the people where you live. It's raucously funny and deserves a spot of honor on your shelf.

$15 .13

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#2

Offensive Crayons Pack

Do not, we repeat, do not let your children color with these crayons after they've learned to read. These are not for the faint of heart or those with delicate sensibilities, but if you're looking for colorful crayons with NSFW colorful descriptions, you've found 'em.

$34 .99

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#3

Exotic Meats Beef Jerky

Nothing beats weird meats, amirite? How do you like the sound of alligator, antelope, buffalo, elk, kangaroo, ostrich, pheasant, and wild boar? Nope, not at the zoo. As deliciously dried and divinely spiced sticks of jerky. Pretty darn divine, right?

$27 .99

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#4

The Scale of Things Giant Book

If the Sun was a grapefruit, the Earth would be a grain of sand and a London bus would fit between the two. If that blew your mind, you need to read The Scale of Things. Forget 1:1, that's boring, it puts objects and concepts both big and little into terms the human brain can compute and be amazed by.

$31 .00

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#5

World’s Lightest Solid Matter

What can't you do with the world's lightest solid matter? You can show it off to your friends, you can use it to hold a door open, you can use it to play catch. Its uses are endless even though it is totally, 100%, useless.

$49 .99

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#6

White Trash Cooking Recipe Book

They're on to something up there in Appalachia. Say what you will about folks who are white trash, but they know how to make a lot out of nothing. From Mock Cooter Stew to Oven-Baked Possum, you might find a few new go-to's in this fascinating cookbook.

$12 .99

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#7

Realistic Dog Head Mask

Nothing says, "don't sit next to me" like wearing a dog head mask so realistic people might wonder if they've wandered into a PetSmart (or a furry convention). It's 100% latex and environmentally friendly, why not give it a try and creep out your friends?

$23 .99

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#8

But... You're a Horse Romance Novel

The age-old tale of woman and horse is retold WAIT, hold up. That's not it. It's not age-old, it's super weird and yet, in this parody romance novel, it's something you won't be able to stop reading.

$12 .99

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#9

Crapping Cats Calendar

Cats. Crapping Cats. Why do you need this? Well, it's a calendar after all, so you might as well include some cats in it, going number two. At least it doesn't smell the way it looks.

$18 .99

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#10

Big Box Of Ladybugs

The possibilities of a big box of ladybugs is truly endless. Use it to tend to your garden, drop it off at your ex's front door, bring it along to a job interview. The world is your oyster!

$49 .99

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#11

Plush Banana Man

Put the Elf on the Shelf away for a season and break out the Plush Banana Man. This half-peeled creep will find a place of honor on any shelf or tucked in any corner he's tucked in.

$15 .99

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#12

Radioactive Uranium Ore

This ore is usually used to test and calibrate Geiger counters, but that doesn't mean you can't do other fun things with it. What those fun things are is up to you, but probably don't take it to the airport.

$59 .95

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#13

Grown-Up Play-Doh Scents

Your kids won't want to eat this Play-Doh, but you will! With dynamite scents like freshly mown grass, mom jeans, dad sneakers, and spa day, each scent will have you feeling more and more like the grown-up you are.

$9 .98

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#14

Cannabonsai: A Beginners Guide

A grow up, but make it pretty! That's exactly what the authors of Cannabonsai were going for. The book will teach you to plant, grow, and tend to flowering cannabis plants and keep them bonsai sized so they look as good as they make you feel.

$34 .99

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#15

A 27-Pound Bucket Of Mac & Cheese

You could eat half a pound of mac and cheese a week and still not eat all this mac and cheese in a year! If you've got a small army to feed or you just really f*cking like cheese, here's 27 pounds of it, live your truth.

$159 .99

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#16

Self Sustaining Ecosphere

Bad plant moms and bad plant dads, this is the plant for you. This self-sustaining ecosystem takes the care and keeping out of tending to your plants. Just set it and forget it. NASA tech is responsible for this completely enclosed ecosystem complete with flora and fauna.

$79 .99

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#17

The Poop Knife

Sometimes you just need a little help getting that chocolate sausage out of the ol' stink hole. We're not judging - grab yourself one of these handy dandy poop knifes and be amazed at a whole new world that opens for you!

$14 .95

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#18

Fish Sandals

Go big on comfort by going foam with a stunning pair of fish flops. The accuracy captured in these sandals is impeccable, they really do look exactly like fish. But, they're made of lightweight foam that's uber-cushioned and will float if they fall in the water.

$21 .88

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#19

Bending Cat Paw Toy

Make everyone in the room remarkably uncomfortable with a bending cat paw toy. Trip its trigger and the paw bends exactly like a cat that's desperate for attention. But it's not a cat's paw, it's you playing with a toy and making uncomfortably long eye contact with them.

$13 .90

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#20

Strange Flavored Soda

You say you like your pizza with ranch but do you really know you like it until you've tried it with ranch dressing and ranch soda? Nope! Try other faves in soda form like peanut butter and jelly and sweet corn to make sure you really really love it.

$27 .19

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#21

Remote Control Crocodile Head

Keep people off your lawn and out of your pond with an RC croc head that looks so real you might even think you've gained an unwelcome visitor. The funny floater zooms around slowly, just like the real deal would.

$44 .88

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#22

Frickin' Cricket Hidden Annoying Chirping Box

When you finally put in your two weeks, it's time to plan how you'll go out with not a whisper or a bang, but a chirp. The Frickn' Cricket just keeps chirping and is IMPOSSIBLE to find ensuring your boss hours, if not days, of frustration trying to find the box.

$11 .99

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#23

Al Dente - The Singing Floating Pasta Timer

Al is gonna make you an offer you can't refuse. He's gonna tell you exactly when you take your pasta out of the pot to ensure that it's got exactly the texture you're looking for. When he's singing like a canary, you better listen, he's warning you that the Overcooking is on its way.

$24 .99

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#24

Pimple Popping Toy

It's such a bummer when your skincare routine is so on point that you don't have any zits to pop. Reacquaint yourself with the unique joy of popping with this toy. It's got tiny holes and is filled with thick "pus" that you can push through to the skin's surface.

$19 .99

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#25

You're My National Treasure Heat Activated Mug

How do you know you've found the one? When you're pouring coffee into this mug one morning and the black exterior fades away to reveal our National Treasure, Nic Cage, informing you that you're your sweetie's national treasure. Don't steal the Declaration of Independence, steal someone's heart with this mug.

$16 .00

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#26

Licki Cat Hair Brush

Getting close to your cat is important to ensure that your cat never tries to kill you in your sleep. Your kitty will surely think of you as mama after a few sessions with the Licki brush. Just put the silicone tongue in your mouth and "lick", no hairballs involved.

$25 .00

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#27

Oversize Googly Eyes

The hills have eyes. And so do the trees. And the bushes. And anything you want, really, because these googly eyes can go anywhere, even your house or your car! They're 7" in diameter and have an adhesive back so you can go wild.

$8 .99

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#28

40lb Wheel of Cheese

People who don't think that there's anything as too much cheese will think that this is probably just enough cheese. There are 40 pounds of it. It comes in a wheel and is 100% certified Parmigiano Reggiano just ripe for eating.

$730 .00

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#29

Candle for Middle Children

Sorry oldest kids and youngest kids, but this is the ONE TIME EVER when someone isn't paying attention to you. Stay in that limelight because your middle sibling can bask in the (very) faint glow of this candle just for middle children.

$26 .95

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#30

World's Smallest Magic the Gathering Deck

Show that you're the true master of Magic the Gathering by playing on a deck so small you'll need a spell of magnification to see the words. This is the World's Smallest MtG deck and it's 100% playable, so tap your manna and kick some ass.

$29 .99

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#31

120 Mini Plastic Babies

A baby shower seems like too cliche of an occasion to break out the 120 plastic babies in this bag. You could leave them all over town in random spots. You could put all of them inside 1 king cake. You could see how high you could stack them. See, they're versatile.

$9 .49

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#32

Urinal Shot Glasses

Give whole new meaning to the term "piss drunk" by getting loaded doing shots out of a two set of urinals. You won't have to look out for little blue cakes in these porcelain pretties, just pour your spirits and drain them into your face.

$16 .99

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#33

Rubber Chicken Purse

We're not trying to ruffle any feathers but bye-bye, Birkin, there's a new bag in town! Throw your other satchels away, this hen is a helluva stylin' tote that you need to have over your arm. The Hen Bag Handbag is 100% rubber and 100% ready to accompany to your next function.

$27 .00

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#34

Chicken Harness And Leash

Your chicken needs frequent walks to keep her happy and healthy. Any responsible chicken owner should have a harness and leash. In fact, if you don't buy this right now, we'll be reporting you to animal services.

$14 .99

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#35

Adoptable Bigfoot

Even if you've never seen him IRL, you can adopt your very own Bigfoot. His mini-me has been captured in this 2"x2"x2.5" jar. He's got a little grass to live on and even comes with an adoption certificate.

$34 .99

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#36

Hands-Free Umbrella

In this day and age, you need both hands to hold your coffee and operate your phone, so where does that leave your umbrella? Easy, just put it on your head. This regular-sized umbrella fits securely to your noggin to keep you and your phone screen water-free.

$9 .99

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#37

Ramen Noodle Soup Blanket

When you're cold and need to feel warm, what do you turn to? Soup. Now you can eat soup and wrap yourself in soup all at the same time. This fleece blanket is soft, spicy comfort in 50"x40" size.

$24 .99

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#38

3" Inflatable PIckle

What can't you do with a 3' inflatable pickle? You can use it as a pool floatie. You can use it as your second passenger in the HOV lane. You can use it to measure against the cucumbers in your garden. You can even watch Netflix with it.

$4 .50

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#39

Spring Loaded Glitter Bomb

Naughty or nice, add a little spice to your favorite person's next celebration with a springloaded glitter bomb filled with 4.5oz of shiny sparkles. Choose from a rainbow of colors or rainbow color and introduce them to the joy of finding glitter everywhere for the next million years.

$28 .99

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#40

Handerpants Underwear for Hands

Have you ever noticed how your hands look so naked? Look at them right now, they're just so nude. You should really cover those up. That's where Handerpants come in. They'll cover up all the most sensitive parts of your hands and keep them nice and warm.

$12 .77

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#41

Black Toilet Paper

Not everyone wants to see the post-bar food abomination they perpetrated in the toilet. For those people, there is black toilet paper. It's very, very forgiving, it's like the shapewear of toilet paper. Plus, it's super soft and will make your bum feel happy.

$14 .24

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#42

Shocktato Electrifying Potato Game

If this potato was hot, that would be better, instead, it's shockingly shocking potato. Shocktato is hot potato upgraded. Instead of getting singed with the potato is in your hands too long, you'll get zapped.

$34 .99

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#43

Sardine Pens

Don't be fooled, these sardines may look like the real deal but they have more in common with eels because they're filled with ink. They're pens, and they're packed in a can for authenticity.

$13 .99

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#44

The Original Taco Toaster

Stop buying those crappy hard shell tacos at the store, make your own with The Original Taco Toaster. The weird device allows you to make your own hard shell tacos using your toaster. It's basically magic, you have to try it.

$9 .99

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#45

Oversized Pizza Blanket

Is there a better comfort food than pizza? It's cheesy, it's warm, it makes you feel good inside. Not, it does all of that but in blanket form. The fleece pie is 71" in diameter and will make you feel on the outside like a pizza makes you feel on the inside.

$29 .99

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#46

Racing Babies

Forget tortoises and hares, or even greyhounds and horses, the real deal on the racing scene are babies. Just pull them back and go, the babies will be zooming along faster than babies 100 times their size can move.

$18 .41

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#47

Human Organ Lunch Tote

Literally no one will touch your lunch again when you start bringing it in transplant style. You could fit a human organ in here, but you probably shouldn't. Instead, fill the insulated tote with 6 cans of beer or soda or a full-size lunch and snacks.

$23 .99

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#48

Pimple Pete Popping Game

Enjoy a fun-filled afternoon with your pals playing PImple Pete, the popping game. The game was created by Dr. Pimple Popper and challenges you to pop the pimples without getting sprayed by the stuff inside his weird head.

$29 .99

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#49

Deer Pong Party Game

Beer Pong is so played out, it's all about Deer Pong now. The concept is the same, you've gotta sink ping-pong balls in the cups that the plastic taxidermied deer holds. But if you miss, that's where the fun comes in. He will sass you if your throws suck.

$20 .35

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#50

Muscle Man Cuddle Pillow

Tired of cuddling up to your body pillow in a sweater that you stole from your ex? Take it up a notch with the muscle man. He's one side of a guy with a four-pack and biceps for days. Don't worry, his outstretched arm will catch you when you swoon.

$39 .95

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#51

Face Butt Towel

Protect yourself from making the awful mistake of wiping your face with the same part of the towel you wipe your butthole with after your last shower with this cleverly designed terry. There's one side for each half of the body, just be sure not to mess 'em up.

$19 .98

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#52

Bacon Scented Mustache

It doesn't matter if you can't grow a 'stache of your own, this one's better than any of those organic ones. This mustache is 4" of synthetic hair that smells like bacon. That makes it manlier than any natural facial hair.

$7 .95

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#53

Baby's First Roommate Placenta Plush

If your goal is to frighten your child and give them nightmares, you'll have to pay for a lot of therapy after giving them this adorable placenta plush. It's a great way to introduce the birds and the bees and all the other really gross stuff that comes along with the miracle of birth.

$27 .99

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#54

Bread Loaf Slippers

You may find yourself making more puns with your feet in these buns. You may also do a lot more loafing around. And find that your feet are baked to perfection in the slippers' foam. You may even go against the grain and claim that these ae the toastiest you've ever worn.

$16 .99

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#55

The Daily Sampler Message Board

Class up your nasty feelings or curse words by displaying them as a sampler. Your mom's favorite decoration lives again in this display board with 32 rotating phrases. Whatever you're feeling, slip the mock embroidered piece in the golden frame.

$15 .09

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#56

Barking Dog Shaped Hot Dog Steamer

When this dog's barking, you know it's time for dinner. He's fat and he's a vat for steaming wieners shorter than dachshunds but long enough to be bun-sized. Cook up to 6 hot dogs in 9 minutes in Hero (that's his name) aka the hero of your barbecue.

$77 .00

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#57

Alien Conehead Hat

Don't be ashamed of that bald spot, own it and increase it by donning an alien conehead hat. For Halloween parties or for ensuring that no one at the office will spot talking about your new 'do, this comfy hat is the way to do it.

$19 .99

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#58

Googly Eye Sleeping Mask

Scare the crap out of your sleeping partner with a sleeping mask that makes it looks like your eyes are wide open. The mask is super comfy for the sleeper, with a shade that contours comfortably to their face without irritating skin. The outside, on the other hand, has some serious freak-out potential.

$8 .82

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#59

Toilet Surprise Coffee Mug

Take a few slugs from this mug and you're going to be in for a rude awakening. Because the best part of waking up is a dookie in your cup, you'll get laughs out of this porcelain mug replica of the porcelain throne with a big ol' poo to surprise you at the bottom.

$19 .99

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#60

The Original Gummy Hamburger

There are a lot of gummy hamburgers, but this one is the original. It's the whopping Mac Daddy of gummy candy and is made of 22 gummy pieces that when put together, measure an impressive 4.6oz. It makes a great post-barbecue dessert.

$11 .67

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#61

Apple Product Inspired Candle

Step aside, Jony Ive, this candle will inspire the next batch of amazingly designed Apple products. Well, it looks like Apple products anyway, but with an aroma with bergamot, hints of lemon, amber and musk, it will inspire creativity.

$29 .99

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#62

Strawberry Toilet Seat

Plop your peach down on this strawberry toilet seat and you'll have yourself a veritable smoothie. The seat is made of elongated wood and has super strong hinges. It's a legit toilet seat and just as comfortable as it looks.

$59 .99

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