27 Sick Gifts For Kyles That Are As Badass As Chugging A Six Pack Of Monster Energy

Vaporizer Hoodie

His friends will wonder how high they are when they see Kyle hit the blunt from...his sweatshirt? That's right! This hoodie doubles as a vaporizer, making it Kyle's ideal wardrobe piece for getting high and hanging out in.

$125 .00

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#2

Fake Money Wads

You know he's flexin' for all the honeys on the 'gram and you also know there's no way those fat stacks he's throwing in the air are real. They ain't paying him boku bucks at the Burger King. But he's no fool, and he'll look like a king when he's slinging this fake cheddar in the air.

$12 .99

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#3

The Stealth Beer Sleeve

He can sip a cold one at his niece's soccer game and all the moms will think he's enjoying a coffee like the rest of them when he's got this stealth coozie in hand. It fits a can of beer perfectly and keeps its label well out of sight.

$12 .48

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#4

I'm Kyle Shirt

By wearing this shirt, Kyle will be making a statement. He'll let the world know that he's a Kyle and all of a sudden things are going to make a lot more sense for people that know him. Doing Kyle Things is just how he be, so let him keep being.

$18 .99

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#5

Mountain Dew Mini Fridge

Storing Mountain Dew in a mini fridge branded with the Mountain Dew logo is a must-dew. It infuses the Dew with Big Dew Energy, which is part of what Kyle draws his Big Douche Energy from. The fridge can hold up to six cans of the beverage and is freon free.

$23 .48

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#6

A Can Of Whoop Ass

When Kyle threatens to open a can of whoop-ass on someone, he doesn't mean it literally. He can throw a punch about as well as he can throw a football. But people still better watch out when they see him coming with this actual can of whoop ass.

$6 .99

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#7

Sexy Wolf Crotch Underwear

Make Kyle feel like the alpha male he aspires to be (or thinks he already is) with a pair of sexy wolf crotch underwear. The image is so powerful, so intimidating, and so strong that any woman who sees it will grab her clothes and run screaming from Kyle's basement apartment at his mom's house.

$8 .95

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#8

The Ultimate Drinking Game

Buy a pallet of Natty Light and call over that boys, it's time for a night of drinking and debauchery. Well, drinking anyway, Kyle and his buds will pass out before the debauchery starts. But with this ultimate drinking game, they'll have a lot of bro-y fun along the way.

$24 .99

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#9

How To Live With A Huge Penis

He wants you to see this on his shelf because he wants you to think that he lives with this problem but ladies, you're smarter than that. This book won't fool anyone worth fooling, but it will pump Kyle's ego up more than his buddy telling him that his new-to-him Toyota Corolla kicks ass.

$12 .08

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#10

Exotic Meats Beef Jerky

Kyle is suspicious of must things labeled "exotic" but the way to get him to trust you is by offering him food. Get him excited about other exotic foods, like sushi and tacos, by tempting his tastebuds with the dozen jerky sticks in this set. It features such flavors as alligator and kangaroo.

$27 .99

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#11

Chill-o-matic Automatic Beer Chiller

Kyle's not the kind of guy who remembers to put his beer or Mountain Dew in the fridge when he gets it home from the store, so the Chill-o-Matic was made to save his ass. It can take his drink from lukewarm to ice cold in less than a minute.

$24 .99

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#12

Chug-n-Plug Beer Shotgun Keychain Tool

When Kyle calls shotgun, it doesn't mean he's hopping in the passenger side of his best friend's ride (though, he definitely is a scrub), it means he's about to embarrass himself sucking down a beer. The chug and plug makes it easier for him to gulp down Natty light, the classy man's choice of suds.

$19 .99

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#13

Fidget Spinner Knife

Kyle wants to think he's the guy that will cut you if you wrong him, but realistically he's too scared. He can relieve some of his anxiety by spinning this pocket knife fidget spinner betwixt his sweaty palms and fingers.

$60 .00

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#14

Jägermeister Shot Dispenser

You know that song that just says "shots, shots, shots" over and over? That's Kyle's anthem, but even more so when he's pulling shots off of this Jägermeister dispenser. The sleek tap machine guarantees a perfect pour every time and will start and end Kyle's night on a trashy note.

$199 .00

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#15

Internal LED Illumination Kit

His '96 Pontiac Grand Am could use a little souping up, dontcha think? With this illumination kit, he'll have all the goods to add some bright color to the front and backseat of his whip. The pulsing, varied, multi-color light show will be the best thing his sh*tbox has to offer.

$19 .99

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#16

Two Dozen Monster Energy Drinks

There's no such thing as too much Monster Energy to a Kyle, whose body turns all that caffeine and taurine into palpitations, too much sweat, and the ability to speed run any video game. With two dozen in the fridge, he'll be set for at least three days.

$54 .99

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#17

The Knockout Beer & Weed Bong

Chances are Kyle can only handle beer or weed at a single time, but that's never going to stop him from going for the gold and hitting from both sides of this bong. Before he passes out he's guaranteed to enjoy himself.

$29 .95

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#18

HotBox Stoner Card Game

No, this game isn't referring to his beat-up '99 Ford Festiva, but it's darn close. The game includes 420 cards to play with and all Kyle has to do is provide the green for him and the boys to have a great night.

$27 .25

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#19

Croc Nuts

Every time Kyle says "deez nuts" an angel gets its wings and after he puts these Croc balls on the back of his slip-ons, there's gonna be a line at St. Peter's post at the gate. The balls are easy to install and move to his other pairs of Crocs, you know, for when he needs to dress up.

$9 .99

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#20

101 Places to Get F*cked Up Before You Die

Who says Kyle doesn't indulge in fine literature? This book is packed with profanity, ideas, and suggestions for all sorts of debaucherous activities, and tips on finding underground caves and backcountry raves. It's everything he needs to throw down with anyone anywhere.

$10 .86

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#21

Wireless Mobile Phone Game Controller

With this wireless mobile phone game controller in hand, Kyle can game all day every day, even at terribly inappropriate times, like grandma's funeral (it's what she would have wanted). It can be paired with any device and has a battery life that just keeps going.

$35 .99

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#22

Ultimate Punching Bag Set

Since he'll never have the balls to punch an actual person in the face, he'll have to imagine that the top of this bag set is his older brother's face. It's a great way for him to put a little muscle on his scrawny frame and increase his fitness.

$62 .34

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#23

Butt Shaped Pillows

This is the only ass Kyle will be able to tap without getting maced, so why shouldn't he lean into it? He'll have his choice of several styles of leggings that fit oh-so-perfectly over the tight buns. And nary a fart will ever escape the crack in the center.

$99 .00

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#24

Delete My Browser History Bracelet

He doesn't want to end up as a viral article on Dateline on the off chance his number gets called while he's out doing dumb sh*t, he better wear this bracelet. Any 21st-century guy, Kyle or not, might consider the parody piece.

$26 .99

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#25

Beer Ammo Bandolier

The only war Kyle is going to is with a boring bonfire with the bros and this bandolier will help him win it. The ammo holder can house up to a dozen bullets (aka cans) that will help him win the war against sobriety.

$32 .95

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#26

3-in-1 Mountain Dew Bottle Opener

Use this Mountain Dew bottle opener to open a bottle of Mountain Dew and you'll have achieved Dew-ception. The three-in-one opener will be an EDC in Kyle's pocket and can be used to open bottles and cans (in case his fingernails aren't long enough to get under the tab).

$7 .99

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#27

Two Seater Tank Top

Kyle's like the town bike, everyone gets a ride. Or at least he would be if he could actually score a honey, but he can certainly try to bag one while wearing this tank top at the annual barbecue.

$18 .81

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#28

Vertical Charging and Cooling Station for Gamers

It sure would be a shame if his Xbox or Playstation overheated while he was playing his 25th hour of GTA. Luckily, this cooling station lowers the temp of his console and charges his controller. He can play all day and his console will never skip a beat.

$28 .99

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#29

Dry Wall Repair Kit

If there was an Olympic category for punching large holes in the wall, Kyle would be a gold medalist. When he doesn't want mom to know what he's done (again) he'll have a good use for this dry wall repair kit.

$8 .99

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#30

Cheese Dust Finger Protectors

Classy Kyles exist and you can tell them apart from trashy Kyles because they've got a distinct lack of Cheeto dust on their fingers. It's because they use these silicone grippers, which deliver all of the cheesiness and none of the mess.

$13 .40

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#31

High Precision Gaming Mouse

When it comes to gaming, Kyle needs absolute precision or he's going to throw his mouse through his second monitor. This gaming mouse will provide that near-zero lag time, long battery life, and cool color scheme that he totally vibes with. That is, if the laser isn't disrupted by Cheeto dust on his desktop.

$16 .99

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#32

DC Skate Shoes

Even if they've never been on a skateboard, Kyle's shoes are still skate shoes. That's how he googles them, anyway. This all-black pair is perfect for any occasion, like his sister's wedding or when he promises that this will for real be the time he actually drops into the half pipe.

$64 .95

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#33

Flamin Hot Cheetos Variety Super Pack

Kyle's major food groups include Cheetos, Doritos, and pizza rolls. Check one off the list by giving him a Flamin Hot Variety pack that'll rev his engines. There are five kinds of Cheetos in the box, enough for sharing (lol, as if Kyle shares).

$23 .79

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#34

Magnum Condoms

He doesn't need 'em, but that won't stop him from letting everyone know he only wears Magnums. In reality, he doesn't believe in any protection, his nickname is "Rawdawg" and his pullout game is infallible.

$17 .10

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#35

Strip Club Cash Cannon

When he's flexin' on Insta to show off to the honeys and show up his bros, this cash cannon will help him do it. The gun arrives with 100 fake hundred dollar bills to get him started.

$18 .98

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#36

Bulk Quantities Of Aveeno Daily Hydration Lotion

When it comes to choking the chicken, not any old marinade will do. Kyle needs something that'll treat his meat with suaveness and smoothness. Aveeno will do the job nicely, moisturizing his member with every stroke and squeeze.

$9 .97

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#37

RGB Mechanical Gaming Keyboard

His gaming will be immaculate and none of his friends will complain that he's dragging down the LoL party when he's playing with this keyboard. With preset capability, personalized lighting, and ability to pair with this smartphone, it's got all the cool features he'll love.

$319 .99

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#38

MMA Workout DVD Set

The gym is for Chads, Kyle only gets his sweat game on at home. With this MMA Workout DVD set his puny muscles will morph into the slightly toned arms he craves. He might even be able to open pickle jars for mom after just a few sessions.

$47 .50

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#39

Monster Truck RC Car

When he finds himself behind the wheel of the remote control that powers this Monster Truck, he'll absolutely decide at that moment to lie and tell people he drove a real one. The car is made for stunts and racing, two of Kyle's favorite things.

$30 .29

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#40

Camo Jacket

He's never been hunting and he's not in the military, but he does like to blend in with a crowd and pretend that he's kinda badass. That's why Kyle loves camo jackets and why this fatigue-inspired jacket will look ok on him.

$35 .00

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#41

BMX Bike

At the ripe old age of 31 he'll be yelling at mom to come outside and see the trick he just learned how to do on his BMX bike. A must-have for any Kyle, this sick two-wheeler will be more reliable than his '93 Ford Aspire and has pegs in the front so he can give a bro a lift.

$219 .99

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#42

Cuffed Beanie

You can spot a Kyle in a winter crowd by looking around for a guy with a too-tall beanie on his head. This woven piece by Carhartt will give him the right look. It's available in a number of colors and will cover the grassiest spots of his hair to make him look, dare we say, almost attractive.

$19 .99

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#43

Fortnite Dance Silhouette Shirt

This shirt is a declaration of a dance-off to a Kyle, and it'll be the world's most awkward dance-off at that. The comfy cotton piece will allow him to move as he's trying to Floss and do those other weird dances that only Fortnite players know the names of.

$14 .95

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#44

Checkboard Skateboard

Kyle talks a lot about skating, but he's only ever pushed his bros down a hill on one. But don't tell anyone that! He can pretend he's a totally awesome Skater Boi by toting around this checkerboard skateboard.

$29 .95

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#45

Proactiv Acne Treatment

He's never been proactive about much, but if he wants to catch a sweet honey it'll be a lot easier if his face doesn't look like a piping hot Papa John's pepperoni pizza. Proactiv will help, with a specially formulated blend that stops blemishes in their tracks and leaves skin looking smooth and kissably soft.

$60 .00

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#46

I Love Single Moms Shirt

No one loves single moms like Kyle does, because that's about all who's left in the dating pool for Townies. When he wears this shirt to the grocery store he'll draw babes to his pasty white bod like moths to a flame.

$18 .99

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#47

Axe Body Spray

Axe Body Spray is so powerful it can scare a cat outta the room the second Kyle walks in drenched in it. It doesn't matter what scent he decides to marinade himself in, it'll smell better than the "unwashed taint and armpit sweat" scent game he's usually rocking.

$20 .43

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#48

Wireless Gaming Headphones

It would be a real bummer if his mom heard the way people talk about her in the video games that he plays, better get Kyle a headset that keeps sounds in and keeps the sound of mom yelling out. These babies are noise-canceling and have enough battery life for a whole day of playing MMORPGs.

$35 .99

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#49

Netflix And Chill Condom

Forget promposals, Kyle is long past that. Instead, he's proposing the ultimate one-night stand with a Netflix and Chill condom. This lubed up rubber will ensure Kyle's satisfaction while also (thankfully) keeping his little swimmers from entering the gene pool.

$4 .95

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#50

Studded Belt

When Kyle needs to get dressed up, he'll reach for this studded belt. It looks great with a tuxedo or those JNCO jeans his mom has been begging him to throw away since 2003. There's a size to fit any Kyle, big to small.

$12 .98

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#51

Button Down Shirt with Fire on It

On school picture day you could pick Kyle out of a crowd because he'd be clad in this shirt. Same story for graduation, and now behind the deli counter of the grocery store. His body is less than fire but with this shirt on he feels like he's smoking hot, kinda like his lit Newport cigs.

$17 .99

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#52

South Park Series on Blu-Ray

Kyle is most certainly not Kyle from South Park, he's definitely a mix of Cartman with a splash of Kenny. That doesn't stop him from thinking that he is one of the chiller members of the group, though. He'll be cackling at the antics in every episode of the series with this superset in his Blu-Ray player.

$264 .99

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#53

Camo Sleeveless Hoodie

To Kyle and the bros, there is nothing more fashionable than a hoodie with no sleeves. Bro, just like, it doesn't get any better than this. And it's camo? You'll catch Kyle wearing this to his next job interview at the gas station.

$15 .99

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#54

DC Snapback Hat

From 9th grade to 12th grade this hat was part of the official Kyle uniform. Forgetting to wear one was akin to forgetting to wear pants. Now that he's graduated to Townie, it's time to get his fashion game back in gear and hide his bald spot with a snapback.

$36 .00

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#55

Wrap Around Sport Sunglasses

The day he takes a Facebook profile picture wearing these sunglasses and sets his cover photo to a pic of his truck he has ascended to Ultimate Kyle. The wraparound sunglasses are polarized, will stay on his face no matter what he's doing, and will scare TF out of women.

$15 .99

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#56

6-Pack of Tube Socks

Giving Kyle a 6-pack of tube socks is giving him the freedom to wait two weeks between washing loads of his wank socks, there are 12 in the package, after all. You might be asking about the 7th pair to make it 14 socks for 14 days, but even the Lord had to rest on the seventh day.

$22 .15

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